There are certain things I do very poorly and a few things I do well. Let's take a look at a couple of those things......pretty sure you'll be able to figure out which is which.....
The Golf Swing
I address the ball with the memory of the last shot I've hit still fresh in my brain. Don't slice. As I bring my feet to the desired width apart from each other and what I perceive to be a good distance away from the ball I get set. Don't slice. My hands are probably lined up to slice. Dammit. My shoulders aren't squared. Oh for Christ's sake I know I'm going to slice. My ass isn't sticking out enough. My back isn't straight. My head is not lined up correctly. Why the hell am I playing this God-forsaken game? I've grabbed the driver on this particular tee shot. It's probably not teed up high enough or teed up too low.....what the hell do I know?!? All I know is I'm going to slice the fucking thing. I take the club back way too high. KEEP IT FLAT YOU RETARD! I take the club back way too far. Why am I trying to see the club before I hit the ball? Your guess is as good as mine. As I start my swing downward there's no possible way I'm going to hit the ball squarely. No chance to save a slice from ever happening. How can I keep my hands in so far and expect to have a good shot? I can't! HERE COMES THE SLICE! As my hands brush my belt buckle I finally attempt to release my hands.....nope. There's the slice. That's what I was waiting for. Hit that house 200 yards away. Good work Money. And just to emphasize it let's add in my leaning forward too much, my inability to get my hands out in front of me, and you can forget about a follow-through. The perfect slice.
The Throw In
I've sprinted half the field's distance from my sweeper position to the offensive third. I'm gassed. My legs are toast. My arms are hanging limp. As I approach the ball I get my shirt ready to wipe off the soaking wet ball. Don't EVER let it slip out of your hands. Bending down to pick up the ball I'm gauging the wind. There's plenty in my face. Don't EVER throw it into the wind too high. I'm going to have to keep a wet ball low enough to cut the wind. Yeah right! Wipe down the wet ball with my shirt which is just as wet because I've been sweating. Does nothing. Guaranteeing a terrible throw. With the ball in my right hand I get my bearings a few yards off the field. Near post or far post? Where's their worst defender? Should I just throw it at the goal and hope for a deflection? Yep. Throw it hard at the goalie. What about the guy with his toes on the line looking at me like he's going to die? Does he want to get in the way of my throw? Seriously? He'll move. I won't. If he doesn't move it's his funeral. I've yet to put both hands on the ball. No use getting a better grip. Why would I? It's going to slip out of my hands anyway. I take my first three steps and I'm into my crow-hop. I've got the ball behind my head with both hands on the ball. I've got to keep my hands on top of the ball so it doesn't sail and wide enough so it doesn't slip. I should have gotten my hands set before this....stupid! As I bring my hands forward and my left/front foot hits the ground I think not of where the ball is going because I know it's going to be shit. I think of making sure my right/back foot is on the ground. Never EVER foul throw. The ball releases from my "grip" and heads perfectly in line with the goalie's hands. There are 4 guys around the ball. All it has to do is hit someone......it will. It has a tendency to do that. My follow through barely avoids the man on the line whose life just flashed before his eyes. Did he move or did I avoid him? We won't know. It doesn't matter. The perfect throw.
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