No Time for Time

A few years ago it seemed like sleep didn't matter, you could never drink too much beer, and there was always something to do even when there was nothing to do.  Dart league starting at 7, drinking until the bar closed, get up for work the next morning, struggle your way through the day, then maybe go to a bar to watch the Blues game, drink until the bar closed, repeat.  Those were the days.  No one had any real responsibilities besides being at work.  Most of us either lived at home with our parents or had just moved out and living with roommates.  Life was simple.  It was easy.  Time meant nothing.  Those days are long gone.

Waking up to a 2 year old daughter's coughing at 3 AM can do a number on a father.  Empathy, sympathy, exhaustion, patience.....just please, don't cry.  She can make or break my whole day.  She can make me smile, make me laugh, make me angry, make me yell, make me cry.  She rocks.  And she better.  She's the reason I don't close down bars anymore.  She's the reason one night a week is usually the cap on how many times I go out.  And she's not going to be the only one doing it to me.  The wife is pregnant with number 2.  Stoked.....but there will be even less time.

There is nothing I wanted to be more when I was growing up than being a dad.  It was my thing.  Couldn't wait.  Not a professional soccer player, not an astronaut, not a fireman.....a dad.  So much for a career plan.  No goals for a professional life whatsoever.  Just survive enough to take my kids to the park, go fishing, bowling, throw a ball around.....whatever they wanted.  Lil Penny keeps me busy but she's still a bit young to do all the REALLY cool stuff.  No riding bikes, no hunting for crawdads, no walking around the woods acting like I'm not lost when in fact there's a good chance we're both going to die out there.  None of that yet....but it's coming.

Instead I sit on the floor and play puzzles, read thousands of books, make animal noises, sing songs, and eat cheese balls (Penny gets what Penny wants, or at least what I'm more than willing to give her).  She's in bed by 9.  I'm in bed by 11.  It's just the way it is.  I love my wife.  I love my kid.  I love my life.  I wouldn't change it for a second.  But that doesn't mean I quit yearning.  Yearning for those few times that arise out of either intense planning or sheer luck that for one night things will go extraordinarily crazy.  Those nights are great.  Those next mornings are not.  I struggle.  No longer young enough to just grit my teeth and struggle the day away.  I should have gone to bed earlier.  That's when reality sets in.  That's when the loves of my life take their ever permanent hold on me.  That's when it all makes sense.  That's when the dream is fulfilled.  And that's when I'm truly a happy guy.  It's Puzzle Time!